After A Long Hiatus...

Burn just sent me an e-mail. He didn't say much about our book. To be true, I don't really care at this moment of my life. I know all the fucking wheels have to turn, a thousand fucking wheels to make anything concrete happen right now - and I suppose we have to sit back and wait for it to an extent. He had some good things to say, some encouraging things but honestly, I drift between wanting our words to get published and wanting them to be ours only, to keep them away from the shit world that would pretend to understand them so that they would in some way, give definition to aimless lives...something to talk about, something to live vicariously through. It's all shit, all of it, and I'm only doing it for the power of it all, to say I am something that I always wanted to be...a writer that people read, so that I can drift myself further above and remain there forever. The shit I've seen...the shit I've been through. Would stagger the soul of the world.

There's at least one person who knows this. His name is Burn. And this e-mail he sent was something new, like I said. He said he had to keep moving forward with something, to keep working on something because he was starting to go insane...was starting to feel normalized again and rested and stable. The last thing I knew, he was working on some script that he was calling mindless - because it was some big comedy, still vicious but supposedly funny - and I don't know what happened...if the wheels came off or what, but he wrote me this morning and said something exactly like, fuck I'm too obsessed with you. Then he said that there was something he had to see - the idea of me on screen, Clive Owen playing my bastard father. He told me he was writing the story of my fucked up existence (personally, I don't see it that way and it kind of hurt to see Burn describe it that way), from before the two of us met under the Eiffel...a story constructed from the stories I'd told him over our drunken times in the cities we shared. He said he already started writing it and that he didn't want to change my name and that he didn't want to make it fictional because he didn't really have to. I am simply that riveting.

I've never met Clive Owen, only seen him in Soho bars or in Harrods buying some sort of fucking scarf and perfume. Burn says he sees him all the time. I think Burn can pull off anything he wants in this world. He'll tell you this too. A lot of people will tell you things like that and never come close. Burn isn't like that. He wont be like that. Clive Owen will play my father. I'm more interested in who will play me.