Here We Go...

I can feel it circling. I can feel the light I've so fought to create and then preserve begin to corrupt. He's not here anymore. Burn, gone. He will never be here again and now I am alone and making this new push, to get over the top and over the edge. I am being asked to get back in, to go back in and live in something that shakes me and fucks me and scares me. It scares the hell out of me, going into this alone now. I can feel myself changing, and if he were here I would call him or consult him or ask for his bid of confidence. I would ask him for everything. I always asked him for everything.

I'm writing again, actually, and I wasn't ready for this, wasn't ready to be anything but glancing for the next 10 months of my life, 11 months, 12 months. I can feel it circling. I can feel my paranoia, feel it flooding and maddening me. I can feel myself becoming madness again, unseated. I am John Durban and now must find John Durban again, beyond John Durban, beyond great expectations. Fuck you for being here, for meeting me, for seeing me. I'll never forgive you for that, for this, myself for what is to come.

Fuck you.